BSkyB’s 24-hour Bond channel is a masterpiece of repackaging

Moneypenny’s voice quavered as she looked up from her desk. “He’s changed, James. The old man’s changed.”

Bond put aside any thought of a dry martini at the club before dinner. When Moneypenny blubbed, you knew something bad had happened. “What do you mean, changed?” he asked.

“I mean, changed into a very old man with a crazy Australian accent,” she said. “He keeps saying he’s bought up all 22 of your movies James, and he’s going to show them 24 hours a day on BSkyB Channel 007 in HD. He says he’ll be master of the world now. ITV will never recover.”

Bond thought about that martini again, neither shaken not stirred. “Calm down, Moneypenny,” he murmured. “This is always how it was going to be: one route to global domination, one genius at reprogramming ageing tat, one secret formula for universal lobotomy. This is the man we’ve been waiting for all these years. This is the real M.”